Inside the Secret Facebook Group Where Women Review Men They’ve Dated

There aren’t any single good men around at the moment in New York City. As far as I can tell, everybody continues to tell us. When Deanna* moved to the city in late 2021 it was her turn to check if there was any truth in the claim. Recently single after having a boyfriend who had been dating her for three months separated from her on Snapchat, Deanna joined Hinge and Tinder. At the same time when a private Facebook community named Are We Dating The Same Guy NYC came up as a must-follow. It had a rigorous prescreening process and community guidelines that served as a barrier for entry. It also had a membership of at 43,000 active members. Deanna was interested, and she enrolled.

The community

The community-which began with the goal to assist women in determining whether their loved ones were seeing other people-was started in the month of March 2022. Each major US city has a similar group today and the rules for everyone are clear: Anyone is allowed to post anonymously, and there is no need to doxx or sharing sensitive information, nor can screen shots be removed from the group. No harassment, no blame-shifting or blaming others for the actions of another. Never reveal to a man that he’s been posted to the group.by link https://datingfortodaysman.com/ website In the wake of West Elm Caleb, who was a man with whom numerous women in New York shared negative dating experiences and made connections online, it seemed like a lot of women were in the market for a way of seeking out others like him. A TikTok user mused at the time This is why we need an app where we can leave reviews of guys we’ve dated on Hinge.

That’s the way this group was at the time Deanna joined. Every iteration of Are We Dating the Same Guy acts as a centralized where women can seek dating advice or share their concerns about a man with whom they’ve had a bad relationship experiences. Loyalty-testing long-term boyfriends-that is, how they send them other women to entice them via social networks has also become more common. It’s all too easy to go down a rabbit hole of screenshotted Hinge profiles, stories of hookups that didn’t work, and memes about the perils of modern dating. The most well-known posts feature images of men with their name asking what kind of person has matched or dated the person of interest. Emojis that have a red flag are a frequent sight on the few but alarming posts advising the group of an ex-partner or bad encounter typically accompanied by the downward arrow as well as the alarming phrases See comments for more info.

The popularity of online dating has been a major factor in our lives in recent years compatible to a study revealing that around 39% of heterosexual couples met their partners online. It’s therefore natural that the romantic side of romance is changing to the online age. Instead, of sitting with some of our friends at a bar or discussing issues with coworkers, we’re now seeking advice from 43,000 women experiencing similar, and in some cases exactly the same experiences.

It’s demystified this idea that dating is easier for some women than it is for others, says Ellie Another group member. Not to imply that there’s no advantages but it was helpful for me to clarify my perspective on dating. There’s no competition in a way with women who aren’t, and it is holding men to a much higher standard than before.

It’s obvious to me, however, that certain behaviors which is promoted and facilitated through Are We the Dating the Same Guy would be to be considered a red flag by potential suitors. Images, the details of private conversations and screenshots thrown up without the consent of another party or knowledge are numerous. People dig up social media profiles on a daily basis. It’s easy for a date to get an invitation to sit on the front row. While Deanna likes being part of the group, she does have some reservations. Sometimes you see people posting ‘If he wanted to, he would’ about paying for things or picking you up in an Uber, she adds. But I think you encounter the issue that you can end up with this echo chamber of men have forced us to do this all day, we’re going to give it right back.

Today, we live in an unjust society

We’re still living in an oppressive society. Until we’re truly equal the online interactions will be different depending on each person’s background. Even so, can a such a group really be empowered in a positive way on one side of the coin, and morally reprehensible terror in the form of incels on the other? Are We All Dating the Same Guy? is hyperlocal and social-only useful to those who live and date within the city that the group is based in. The women, and the guys they discuss, could be your neighbor as well as a coworker, friend loved ones, or the most last Hinge match. And yet, there’s a loss of personalization that comes with operating on the internet, making it feel like a game. It’s not a stretch to say that this is a form of objectification for the participants in both groups. This is particularly true when the details of private conversations, intimate interactions including photos, are shared without knowledge or consent, sometimes to provide entertainment.